What is behind it?

I can not point to one thing that happened in my life.  There wasn't ONE trigger.  My story - and I can imagine others can relate to this as well - is influenced by my background and one small decision made after another that moved me down my current path lacking discipline.

I have not had a healthy relationship with food or my weight for most of my life.  Remembering back to junior high and high school I always thought I needed to lose weight.  I actually went to a local store once in junior high and stole a box of diet pills.  I weighed probably less than 100 pounds, but in my mind I wasn't happy with how I looked.  Well... my dad found one of the diet pills on the stand beside the couch.  So much for that secret.  During our talk about the pill, he had a magazine with him and pointed out pictures of beautiful, thin women and said, "These are not real.  THEY AREN'T REAL."  We then went back to the store where I stole the pills and found a manager and I had to admit to and apologize for what I did.  I can tell you (as a person who does NOT like to be in trouble) that was a terrifying moment in my life. 

In our family we didn't have many options that I would now consider healthy.  We had what my parents knew at the time - Pop Tarts, casseroles, cookies, school lunches, carb-based snacks.  When I was younger my mom stayed home with us, when I was in middle school she went back to college and started to work outside of the house for the first time.  My dad always worked pretty long hours.  They did what they knew and what was easiest on what I can imagine was a tight budget and a tight time schedule with two kids that were 3 years apart and in many different activities at school and at church. 

I also grew up part of a church tradition that did not focus on outward appearance.  Many of the women in my church (from what I remember) did not wear make up and dressed fairly plain by society's standards.  My mom and other important women in my life did not wear jewelry or make up.  Growing up in this atmosphere allowed me to learn not to judge others by their outward appearance but I also didn't know what it meant to be/feel beautiful. The women in the magazines weren't real but by society's standards were beautiful, but the women I was surrounded by were the most real women I knew - beautiful inside and out - but not beautiful by society's standards. 

After graduating from college I held several different jobs (social work, arts programming, cleaning...) A memorable job for me was when I was working at an accessories company where the young women/men I encountered were "up" on all of the fashion trends.  It was their job to design accessories and set trends several seasons ahead of what was in the stores at the time.  While I was working there I was big and pregnant, or recovering from pregnancy while breast feeding a new born and I watched with awe as they came to work each day in their trendy outfits perfectly accessorized.  (Idealized memory?  Probably.)

I reflected on what beauty meant while at that job.  Is beauty only what is inside a person and is it "bad" to want to look beautiful on the outside as well? Is it okay to be fashionable and wear make up and take care of your outward appearance?  The portion of that company I worked for closed and I lost my job, but I soon realized I missed being surrounded by that kind of beauty.  At the time I was still breast feeding my daughter and that was GREAT for my figure so shopping was a lot of fun.  I finally decided that I wanted to pay attention to fashion, wear make up and get a "trendy" hair cut, or let's be real - an actual hair STYLE.  I still wasn't eating healthy or exercising regularly, so the healthy lifetime habits were not ingrained and once I stopped breastfeeding I gained weight again.

Since that time it has been a process of self-discovery and allowing myself to love who I am on the inside AND the outside - no matter what size I am currently, no matter what job I currently hold, no matter how others see/perceive me.  Really, learning to see myself through God's eyes - as a precious child of God, worthy of others love and worthy of loving myself.   

Through that process of self-discovery we have also slowly adapted our house hold to fit a healthier lifestyle.  First with my hubby who started running again and lost a lot of weight.  Also through meal planning and eating healthier foods.  It's been a process of making one decision at a time in the direction of health and discipline.  Some of the changes we have made stick around, others have not been helpful and fall by the wayside. 

I have had to sift through the messages thrown at every single one of us day after day regarding what is "healthy." I have learned that when I exercise regularly I maintain a healthier weight.  I have learned about optimal heart rate for burning fat. I have learned that I simply LOVE food - particularly sweets - but that if I indulge my every whim and have a sweet every time I want one I will gain weight, even if I'm exercising at the time.  I have learned that when I go about becoming more disciplined without meditation/journaling/quiet time I lose motivation and get distracted. 

My story isn't dramatic or overly specific.  It is a series of thoughts, lessons, life situations and decisions that have led me to this point.  This moment.  Today.  And now I get the opportunity to continue writing my story.