Wandering Eyes - Empty Soul

Lately I feel like time is moving fast - a day may feel long, but weeks and months are flying by.  And yet... Inside I feel stagnant.  Like I am trudging along, barely keeping up.  Every day has its routine, and I am keeping up with the day to day monotonous parts of life - the laundry, the cooking, the grocery shopping, my responsibilities at work, the bills.  But my soul and spirit are stuck in a mud pit. The passion and focus I felt earlier this year has waned, and sits heavy in the back of my mind.  Beckoning me. 

I hear the question, "Is the life we're building enough?"  "Am I enough?"

And, then my eyes wander.

I notice moms who seem to be constantly putting their children's needs first, going to the park, playing games with their children, creating experiences that are once in a life time.  While I tell my kids to go outside and play, let me read a little bit more in this book and then I'll see the drawing you just made, and I feel like I'm giving them my left overs.

And, I think, "Am I enough?"

As I log training miles for my upcoming triathlon, I look around and see faster times, longer rides, smoother transitions.  I see people excelling with (what appears to be) less effort than me, and who will be better than average after less training effort.  And, after the miles and time and effort, I still sit at average.

And, I think, "Am I enough?"

I see friends with goals - to lose weight, to pay off debt, to go back to school, to get the promotion.  And, I am getting through each day for what it is, crashing on the couch and barely keeping my eyes open long enough to check Facebook.

And, I think, "Am I enough?"

 

When my eyes wander, my soul compares. And, as Theodore Roosevelt said, "Comparison is the thief of joy." It's no wonder I feel stagnant, empty, and like there is a void in my life.  Each time I allow my eyes to wander, I am giving my joy to the thief... comparison.  Each time I allow my eyes to wander, I give a piece of my joy to the person to whom I am comparing myself.  The joy I could be feeling about my life - my accomplishments, my small victories, my unique qualities - is stolen and there is a hole in its place.

The bottom line is I AM ENOUGH.  My goals are enough.  My work is enough.  My pace and times are enough.  Even if I was doing nothing, not even one thing, I AM ENOUGH.  My worth is not wrapped up in my job, my kids, my husband, my house, my races, my times, what I eat and how much, the shape of my body and what size I am, how many books I've read lately, or anything else that is visible on the outside.

I seem to have lost sight of this simple truth - My worth, my enough-ness if you will, just is.  I am enough because I am.  Because I was created and am enough in my Creator's eyes.