My Pattern (Part Two)

I am four weeks in to focusing on discipline.  I have had some success in the areas in which I set out to introduce discipline.  I read two books in January and have two more on tap for February.  I have read the Bible and journalled with more regularity in the past four weeks than in the previous several months. I am participating in a weekly pottery class again.  I am working on being disciplined with diet and exercise and have seen results. 

And now... well, this week is a hard week for me.  I've already described that I feel like this is a life sentence.  And, at this point in my past efforts to be more disciplined I generally get... bored?  frustrated?  tired?  No... impatient.  Yes, impatient is probably the best way to describe it. 

I've said before that I am an all or nothing kind of person.  As in, "This is my perfect daily schedule and if I can't keep a perfect schedule then I might as well give up on the whole thing."  All or nothing. 

I am also an impatient person.  If I don't "get" something right away it is hard for me to continue practicing and practicing until I get it.  I have been blessed to "get" most things pretty easily - school was not difficult and neither was college, piano came naturally, pottery has seemed to come pretty naturally, organizing seems to be in my blood.  If I try something and I am not immediately successful I have a hard time sticking with it.  I get impatient with myself and think I should already be good at it.  Running falls in to this category for me.  I run for awhile, sign up for and run a 5K and then realize that I am still slow, still breathe heavily (sorry for those who have ever run around me) and am not very good at it.  So I stop running.

This is the point in past attempts at being disciplined in diet and exercise where I get impatient.  I have had reasonable success this time, but I feel like I should have done better by now.  I should have lost more weight by this time.  The temptations should have gone away by now.   I "should on" myself a lot... and then I grow weary of sticking with it to have "only" moderate success so I say "well, if I can't be at the end of the process I might as well not try at all."  (See how all of my personality quirks come together in a perfect storm?)

So I am working through my "shoulds" right now.  I am trying to have reasonable expectations of progress and am trying to put one foot in front of the other, to continue to make one decison at a time to be disciplined.  I am working on being on a journey.  I know when I look back on this year of discipline and see the results in my body, mind and spirit I will be thankful for the effort and work it is requiring.